The Christian Family - Col 3:18-21

 (18) Wives, be subject to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. (19) Husbands, love your wives and do not be embittered against them. (20) Children, be obedient to your parents in all things, for this is well-pleasing to the Lord. (21) Fathers, do not exasperate your children, so that they will not lose heart. (Col 3:18-21) 

The arena of relationships is our best testing ground for spiritual authenticity. Thinking above has practical results here below. True spirituality deals with “real life.” The false teachers promoted ideas which made spirituality the possession of the special few who tapped into “higher” knowledge, engaged in mystical experiences, or conformed to a code of rules. Paul points believers in another direction. Spirituality is nothing grand, romantic, or impossible. It is submitting to the supremacy of Christ which will transform our character and revolutionize our relationships.

When Paul penned Colossians, the “household” consisted of three sets of relationships: (1) husband and wife, (2) parent and child, (3) master and slave. [1] 

In this section of Colossians, the focus is upon the nuclear family unit with instructions for each. “The wife, the child, the servant are bid to obey; the husband to love, the father to show his love in gentle considerateness; the master to yield his servants their dues.” [2] 

Wives

(18) Wives, be subject to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. 

• Definition: ‘be subject’ (‘submit’ - KJV, NIV) – The Greek word, hypotassō { hoop-ot-as'-so }, means to subject oneself, to obey. And Louw and Nida define it as “to submit to the orders or directives of someone—‘to obey, to submit to, obedience, submission.’” [3] And per MacArthur, it seems to carry the idea that someone is willingly putting themselves under someone. [4] 

• “Submit is a call to recognize and respond to the God-ordained authority of the husband. Submission does not diminish the equality or destroy the dignity of the wife. Christ himself is the model for equality with God and submission to the one with whom he is equal (1 Cor. 11:3; 15:28; Phil. 2).” [5] 

• We see a parallel command in Eph 5:22-24, which says, “Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything.”

• To ‘be subject’ or ‘submit’ does not mean to be mindlessly obedient. A wife is not a slave and the husband is not a king. She is not expected to cower in the corner, afraid to speak. The obedience defined here is to be voluntary and willful or purposeful. As we saw in Eph 5:24, the wife’s submission is to mirror the believer’s submission to Christ, since the believer is part of the body of Christ, or the church. 

• Norman Giesler wrote, “Wives are to submit to their husbands as their heads. This command was not limited to Paul’s day, as is obvious from two reasons he gave elsewhere: (1) the order of Creation (man was created first, then woman; 1 Tim. 2:13); (2) the order within the Godhead (Christ submits to the Father; 1 Cor. 11:3). Submission or subordination does not mean inferiority; it simply means that the husband, not the wife, is head of the home. If he may be thought of as the ‘president,’ she is the ‘vice-president.’” [6] 

• Another aspect to this is that the husband is answerable to God for the family. We all answer to God, but as the ‘head’ of the family, the husband bears a greater responsibility. 

• “Submission points to the wife’s calling to honour and affirm her husband’s leadership and to help him exercise his role within the family. It is not an absolute surrender of her will, for Christ is her absolute authority, not her husband. Nor is there any suggestion that the wife is naturally or spiritually inferior to her husband.” [7] 

• This command for wives to submit to their husbands is in many places in Scripture (Eph 5:22-24; 1 Pet. 3:1, 3:5-6; Col. 3:18; Titus. 2:5; Gen 3:16). 

• There are many modern ‘scholars’ that dispute this clear teaching. Some see Paul as a chauvinist. Others desire to usurp the role of God, opting to determine for themselves which parts of Scripture are inspired. Still others see Paul’s teaching here as cultural only. But none would argue that Paul's teaching in 3:19 (“Husbands, love your wives and do not be embittered against them.”) is cultural. All of this destroys marriage. [8] 

Husbands

(19) Husbands, love your wives and do not be embittered against them.

• Husbands are commanded to love their wives. And as we see in the parallel verse of Eph 5:25, “just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her,” it is intended to be a sacrificial love that mimics how Christ Jesus loves the church, the body of Christ. The reason that this is important is because some men use their position for power over others, and extend that into the family unit. Our rule is not about power or dominance, it's about love, protection, care. 

• John Gill described that love as, “ this love ought to be hearty and sincere, and not feigned and selfish; it should be shown in private, as well as in public: it should be chaste and single, constant and perpetual; it should exceed that which is bore to neighbours, or even to parents, and should be equal to that a man bears to himself.” [9] 

• And Max Anders points out something extremely important, “The husband, though given a role of authority, is not to treat his wife as a ‘subject.’ The husband’s call is to sacrificial love. Love is meeting the needs of others regardless of the cost to self.” [10] That is what true, sacrificial love is - am I willing to do whatever it takes to serve my wife, regardless of what it costs me? Are her needs above mine? Because if the husband’s needs come before his wife’s needs or his children, then he is not loving his wife the way Christ loves the church.

• “He is commanded to love her and this is not simply a matter of his having affectionate feelings or being sexually attracted to her. Rather, it involves his unceasing care and loving service for her entire well-being.” [11]

• One commentator commented on the difference between the way Paul referred to men and women. The ancient world was ruled by men and women were something akin to chattel. But Paul “modifies both the authority and its acceptance by the Christian principle of mutual love and deference, so that both are transformed.” Furthermore, “Paul speaks of two responsibilities of the husband—one positive and the other negative. Positively, Paul urges husbands to ‘love [agapate] your wives.’ This of course is their supreme duty. Agapaō does not denote affection or romantic attachment; it rather denotes caring love, a deliberate attitude of mind that concerns itself with the well-being of the one loved. Self-devotion, not self-satisfaction, is its dominant trait. Negatively, Paul urges husbands not to be “harsh” with their wives, using a word that suggests a surly, irritable attitude. Perhaps the colloquialism ‘don’t be cross with’ best expresses the meaning.” [12] 

• ‘do not be embittered’ - Concerning how husbands are to act, Norman Giesler pointed out, “So they are to exercise loving leadership, not dictatorial dominion. Perhaps husbands need this reminder to be tender and loving as much or more than wives need the reminder not to usurp authority over their husbands. Assuming absolute authority will only embitter one’s wife, not endear her. … Wives, like tender and sensitive flowers (cf. 1 Peter 3:7), may wilt under authoritarian dominance but blossom with tender loving care. So in a maturing marriage the husband exercises compassionate care and his wife responds in willing submission to this loving leadership.” [13] 

• “Paul added a special word of warning for the husbands: ‘And be not bitter against them;’ (Col. 3:19). Husbands must be careful not to harbor ill will toward their wives because of something they did or did not do. A ‘root of bitterness’ in a home can poison the marriage relationship and give Satan a foothold (Eph. 4:31; Heb. 12:15). The Christian husband and wife must be open and honest with each other and not hide their feelings or lie to one another. “Speaking the truth in love” (Eph. 4:15) is a good way to solve family differences. ‘Let not the sun go down upon your wrath’ is a wise policy to follow if you want to have a happy home (Eph. 4:26).” [14] 

Children

(20) Children, be obedient to your parents in all things, for this is well-pleasing to the Lord

• Definition: ‘be obedient’ (‘obey’ - NIV, KJV) – The Greek word, hypotassō { hoop-ot-as'-so }, means to harken to a command, to obey, be obedient to, submit to. Since it is present tense, it’s a continuous action. 

• Like MacArthur said, this relationship cannot be correct and proper unless the relationship between the husband and wife is right. [15] 

• As we see in Prov 1:8 and 6:20, children are to listen to their parent’s instruction and obey it. Ex 20:12 says, “Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be prolonged in the land which the LORD your God gives you.” This is taught in a number of places in Scripture. Don’t strike or curse your parents (Ex 21:15) as this was punishable by death. The same was true for repeated disobedience (Deut 21:18-21). It was also a mark of ungodliness (2 Tim 3:2). [16] 

• Children are not competent to reason from themselves; they cannot distinguish right from wrong, they do not understand the dire consequences for doing the wrong thing. And it is the parents responsibility to teach their children those differences. Not only does the welfare of the child depend on it, but it creates order of a family and order in the community. [17] 

• ‘All things’ - Keep in mind that the ‘all things’ is predicated on whether the parents demand obedience to things that go against God. In that case, our obedience should be to God first, above the wishes of the parents. 

Fathers or Parents

(21) Fathers, do not exasperate your children, so that they will not lose heart.

• Definition: ‘fathers’ – The Greek word, patēr { pat-ayr' }, means father of the corporeal nature, natural fathers, both parents. Louw and Nida define it as “biological or legal parents—‘parents.’” [18] And MacArthur agrees that parents is a better translation as is seen in Heb 11:23. 

• Definition: ‘exasperate’ (‘provoke’ - KJV) – The Greek word, erethizō { er-eth-id'-zo }, means to stir up, excite, stimulate, to provoke. And Louw and Nida define it as “to cause someone to feel resentment—‘to make resentful, to make someone bitter.’” [19] Another way to see this is how MacArthur does, “stop nagging your kids.” [20] 

• MacArthur points out a bunch of ways that parents can exasperate their children: 1) By over protection - resist the desire to make strict rules about everything. They have to learn how to think for themselves, make decisions. They need protection, but they need liberty as well. Parents have to allow their kids to fail, so that they can learn from their mistakes. You always start with small decisions, but you have to start. 2) By showing favoritism - this can occur accidentally but it needs to be avoided at all costs. Children will be different, so understand their differences so you can treat them the same according to those differences. 3) By depreciating their worth - you need to make sure your children know they have worth in your eyes. Listen to them and just as important, give them opportunities to speak. This is a golden opportunity to teach them how to communicate with others. 4) By setting unrealistic goals - make sure to celebrate them when they succeed. Never expect a 5 yr old to be able to attain what a 10 yr old can. And your kids will fail just like you did at their age. Learn how to encourage their efforts. 5) By failing to show affection - always make sure your kids know you love them verbally and physically. They need affection as much as you do. 6) By not providing for their needs - “Children need things like privacy, a place to play, clean clothes, a place to study, their own possessions, and good meals”. Just like you, they have necessities that need to be met. 7) By a lack of standards - this is the other side of ‘over protection.’ All kids need standards. Lack of discipline is just as bad as over discipline. All kids need discipline because they need to understand right from wrong. Like Pro 22:15 says, “Folly is bound up in the heart of a child,” so discipline needs to be exercised consistently. 8) By criticism - if all a child hears is criticism, he will never learn what responsibility is. He will learn to be overly critical of himself and others. He will learn to live expecting everything he does will be wrong.  9) By neglect - parents need to be involved with their kids and in their kid’s lives. Indifference will generate rebellion of your authority and your direction. 10) By excessive discipline - this will involve verbal, emotional and/or physical abuse. When kids are disciplined in anger the parents will say things they would never say to anyone else, and once said it cannot be unsaid. Like God, a parent’s correction should be done in love because that is the way God corrects us. [21] 

(18) Wives, be subject to your husbands [subordinate and adapt yourselves to them], as is right and fitting and your proper duty in the Lord. (19) Husbands, love your wives [be affectionate and sympathetic with them] and do not be harsh or bitter or resentful toward them.(20) Children, obey your parents in everything, for this is pleasing to the Lord. (21) Fathers, do not provoke or irritate or fret your children [do not be hard on them or harass them], lest they become discouraged and sullen and morose and feel inferior and frustrated. [Do not break their spirit.] (Col 3:18–21 AMP)

The Amplified Bible (La Habra, CA: The Lockman Foundation, 1987), 

Footnotes

1. Max Anders, Galatians-Colossians, vol. 8, Holman New Testament Commentary (Nashville, TN: Broadman & Holman Publishers, 1999), p. 332–333, p/o Logos Bible Software, Ver 10, © 2026. 
2. Colossians 3 Expositor's Bible Commentary
3. Johannes P. Louw and Eugene Albert Nida, Greek-English Lexicon of the New Testament: Based on Semantic Domains (New York: United Bible Societies, 1996), p. 467, p/o Logos Bible Software, Ver 10, © 2026. 
4. John MacArthur, The MacArthur New Testament Commentary: Colossians & Philemon, (Moody Bible Institute: ©1992), p. 168.
5. Max Anders, Galatians-Colossians, vol. 8, Holman New Testament Commentary (Nashville, TN: Broadman & Holman Publishers, 1999), pp. 332–333, p/o Logos Bible Software, Ver 10, © 2026. 
6. Norman L. Geisler, “Colossians,” in The Bible Knowledge Commentary: An Exposition of the Scriptures, ed. J. F. Walvoord and R. B. Zuck, vol. 2 (Wheaton, IL: Victor Books, 1985), p. 683, p/o Logos Bible Software, Ver 10, © 2026. 
7. Peter T. O’Brien, “Colossians,” in New Bible Commentary: 21st Century Edition, ed. D. A. Carson et al., 4th ed. (Leicester, England; Downers Grove, IL: Inter-Varsity Press, 1994), p. 1274, p/o Logos Bible Software, Ver 10, © 2026. 
8. John MacArthur, The MacArthur New Testament Commentary: Colossians & Philemon, (Moody Bible Institute: ©1992), p. 167.
9. John Gill’s Expository Notes on Colossians, p/o the Online Bible, Computer Program, © 1987-2026. 
10. Max Anders, Galatians-Colossians, vol. 8, Holman New Testament Commentary (Nashville, TN: Broadman & Holman Publishers, 1999), p. 333, p/o Logos Bible Software, Ver 10, © 2026. 
11. Peter T. O’Brien, “Colossians,” in New Bible Commentary: 21st Century Edition, ed. D. A. Carson et al., 4th ed. (Leicester, England; Downers Grove, IL: Inter-Varsity Press, 1994), p. 1274, p/o Logos Bible Software, Ver 10, © 2026. 
12. Curtis Vaughan, “Colossians,” in The Expositor’s Bible Commentary: Ephesians through Philemon, ed. Frank E. Gaebelein, vol. 11 (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan Publishing House, 1981), p. 218, p/o Logos Bible Software, Ver 10, © 2026. 
13. Norman L. Geisler, “Colossians,” in The Bible Knowledge Commentary: An Exposition of the Scriptures, ed. J. F. Walvoord and R. B. Zuck, vol. 2 (Wheaton, IL: Victor Books, 1985), p. 683, p/o Logos Bible Software, Ver 10, © 2026. 
14. Warren W. Wiersbe, The Bible Exposition Commentary, vol. 2 (Wheaton, IL: Victor Books, 1996), p. 142–143, p/o Logos Bible Software, Ver 10, © 2026. 
15. See: John MacArthur, The MacArthur New Testament Commentary: Colossians & Philemon, (Moody Bible Institute: ©1992) p. 170.
16. Ibid, p. 170.
17. Albert Barnes’ New Testament Notes on Colossians, p/o the Online Bible, Computer Program, © 1987-2026.
18. Johannes P. Louw and Eugene Albert Nida, Greek-English Lexicon of the New Testament: Based on Semantic Domains (New York: United Bible Societies, 1996), p. 113, p/o Logos Bible Software, Ver 10, © 2026. 
19. Ibid, p. 760, p/o Logos Bible Software, Ver 10, © 2026. 
20. John MacArthur, The MacArthur New Testament Commentary: Colossians & Philemon, (Moody Bible Institute: ©1992) p. 171.
21. This is a paraphrase representation of what MacArthur said in, John MacArthur, The MacArthur New Testament Commentary: Colossians & Philemon, (Moody Bible Institute: ©1992) p. 171-73, p/o Logos Bible Software, Ver 10, © 2026. 

The primary sources for this study use J. Hampton Keathley III, Paul’s Letter to the Colossians: An Exegetical and Devotional Commentary, from bible.org, Copyright ©1996-2020 Bible.org, and all attributions are reprinted with permission granted by bible.org, and John MacArthur, The MacArthur New Testament Commentary: Colossians & Philemon, (Moody Bible Institute: ©1992).

This study uses many of the commentaries, dictionaries and the Greek Lexicon which are all part of 'The Online Bible', Computer Program, © 2023, Larry Pierce, http://www.onlinebible.net/, unless otherwise referenced. See Colossians Bible Study for full attribution. All word definitions are from either Strong's and/or part of the Online Bible Program.

All Greek words utilize the Greek Lexicon, part of the Online Bible, Computer Program, © 1987-2005, Blue Letter Bible and/or Logos Bible Software, Ver 10, © 2025, unless otherwise referenced.

All Scriptures quotes are from the New American Standard Bible, 1995 Revision, unless otherwise noted. Verse links from Blue Letter Bible.